The Most Underwhelming Professional Sport

I can’t watch it anymore.  The NBA is the most underwhelming professional sport in the world.  Here are three reasons why the NBA is unwatchable:

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1. 8 out of 10 plays end in a foul and the other two plays had the same foul committed but the refs decided not to call it.  The game consists of 4 twelve minute quarters, but the game lasts three hours.  The rest of the three hours consists of the players standing around waiting for someone to shoot free throws.

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2. Defense is irrelevant in the NBA.  No one full court presses and no one can be touched.  The game is completely determined by the team’s shooting percentage.  The defenders run down the court and wait for the offensive players to arrive, the offense passes the ball around for a few seconds, someone takes a shot and either misses or makes it, then the other team gets a turn.

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3. Limitless timeouts.  Are you kidding me with the timeouts?!  All four quarters each team has 8 thirty seconds timeouts, 6 twenty second timeouts, 12 full timeouts, and endless commercial breaks.  Maybe that’s not completely true, but it sure seems like it.  Chris Webber made a costly error by calling a timeout in college when his team no longer had any timeouts left.  His response was, “Since when is there a limit on timeouts..?!”

Here are two solutions.  Choose one:

  1. Make all games two minutes long – In the playoffs, the last two minutes are the only minutes that matter.  Almost every game enters the last two minutes in a tie and then the teams trade baskets until someone misses and loses, or makes the shot and wins.  “Yes! We made the shot this time and won!!”  or  “Yes! He missed the shot and we won!!”
  2. Get rid of all the pretend defense and just make it a professional game of HORSE.

Last night I switched back and forth between the Stanley Cup playoffs, where these dudes are hustling the full length of the ice like they’re 14 years old and playing for their lives and then I switch to the NBA and they’re standing around shooting foul shots.  I switch back to the Stanley Cup and the hockey players are navigating across the ice with a puck on a stick with defensive players whacking their bodies and sticks and they pass that puck around like it’s on a rope.  I go back to the NBA and watch as defenders hover in the general vicinity of the player with the ball with their arms out until the player shoots, misses, and the other team takes the ball down to do the same thing on the other side.  Switch back to the Stanley Cup and the dude shoots the puck into the offensive zone, chases it to the corner, gets hit by the defender while he passes to his teammate who also gets hit and falls to the ice, another player gets the puck and then slaps it 90 mph past the defender who is laying in front of the shot attempting to block it without face protection.  WUT?!

The NBA is out.  I’m done.  I’ll watch dunk highlights, impressive shooting feats on SportsCenter, and the last two minutes of important games and I’ll play horse with my friends.

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